the rainbow after the storm.
Friday, June 02, 2006 | 5:26 PM | 0 hearts♥
its been one hell of a rollercoaster ride with this. but im glad its finally over and now i can stop paying tickets to get a seat on that rollercoaster. lol. btw if you dont get the joke, dont bother.everything's fine now, and im quite exhausted from the entire episode. im mentally drained.
yet ive been wondering about the word trust. we see it everywhere, be it spiritually, mentally, physically, or whatever-ally it may be, it exists in the world, in us, in humans. (well im sure animals do have them to some extent, or is that called instinct?)
my trust lies in my family, my friends and of course it exists in that someone special.
i remember the first time i had an argument about trust was when i was ranting for a personal computer so that i didnt have to share one with my sis. she was a big meanie to me at that time for consistently locking her laptop with spastic passwords like "shit" and my name that i could never guess when i tried to use it without her permission. i couldnt take it so i tried to demand for one to my parents one day in the living room.
"can i have a computer?"
"why do you want one?"
"cuz everytime XXX dont let me use the computer and she's so selfish la. very irritaing and she's so unreasonable when i want to use."
"we dont want to get you one because when you have one you never stop playing it. even with her computer we see you playing day and night non-stop!!"
"thats because you constantly refuse me usage and it ends up such that if i have the opportunity to play i would use it as much as i can!! and you always remember the times when i play and never notice when i dont use the com!!"
"then prove to us that you can exercise self restraint. then we buy you one."
"you know what's the problem? you dont even trust me in the first place when i tell you that i havent been playing. it all stems from you not trusting what i say, not from seeing my actions. how the hell would i even gain your trust then?!"
i walked away rather angry, yet no computer. so sad. they made so many empty promises to me over the years, saying that they will pass down my sis's laptop to me when she gets the new one, that they will buy the laptop from her blah blah blah. but they were all just excuses to get me waiting until i graduated to uni so that i can buy one at a cheapo price. and they think i duno. pathetic. and if my sis asked me to let her use my laptop in the future, i'll SCREAM AND SAY NO. HAH.
so where does the distrust really stem from? was it from me? was it from my parents? its a vicious cycle that never ended. but i think instead of hurling excuses and blame to my parents, what i should do is to solve the situation myself instead of endlessly waiting till they finally get about doing something. everything was needed to complete the cycle so that it would continue to exist. to break it is to have a part removed just like an electric circuit, and that part has to be me. thats how change occurs doesnt it.of course the second part would be to change the part instead so that the cycle differs, yeah yeah but i hate to explain to readers, cuz im a sloman. as long as i know, the rest doesnt really need to know. cuz most likely they exit my blog not giving a hoot to what i say, just seeing that i regularly update and to entertain themselves.
ah well, in the end, im 18 this year, and if my a lvls can allow me to get into uni (which i fervently hope for), my parents get their wish, and the whole cycle disintegrates without me having to do anything but to slog for my grades. how enticing the prospect is=) why i think i might do just that! HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA EAT THAT.
*interlude* i want korean food. im hungry. SABA FISH pls!!!
back to the main context, the second time when trust was doubted was between the both of us. being together for quite some time, yet not a senior citizen thankfully, trust was a main issue to certain major stuff. trust is one of the bonds that hold people together, but sometimes it is subjected to external pressure and crack. thats when its time to go to a trust forge and mend it!!!! *ding ding ding* and its back, brand new and possibly stronger than before.
sometimes we doubt each other. i doubted him over his activities. he doubted me over whether i was telling the truth. im glad he trusted me in the end. yet i wonder if i did trust him. do i still think that he would prefer his routine to me, that he doesnt really care? to not do so would be such a disservice to him... haha. but seriously, i thought over it carefully and im sure now that i have full confidence to trust him in every way, which was the positive result of the argument, which was what everyone should have in that special person and should always stay that way. thats good so that our love will stay strong!!! hahahaXD