We finally broke up.

In a way, I should have seen it coming, but I refused to give up thinking that one day things would turn out right again. I had always believed that one day, he would change and realise what I had tried so hard to do for him. But at the end of the day, everything just ended right there when he initiated the break up.

As usual, it was the want to meet up but he doesn't want to cuz he's tired syndrome. We had not seen each other for 1 week already, and I badly missed him. So when he said we probably would not meet for the rest of the day I was so disappointed. I would understand that perhaps meeting for breakfast when he ended work at 3am might be too tiring for him, so I thought he would at least want to meet up in the afternoon after his sleep, before he went for work. But no it didn't happen, all he told me was "Guess not" when I asked him if we would meet. That was when finally, the accumulation of fustration and upset just welled up and I told him we had not been seeing each other for so long already, 1 week, so could we just arrange some time to spend time with each other when he was free.

And the very next day, he asked to meet to talk. Once I saw what he typed on msn, I knew what was coming. I tried to convince myself that probably he agrees with me, that we should arrange a timing, that he cares enough and wanted to spend time with me too. But deep down inside, knowing him it was more likely not. I went to bed at 4+am, as I always do ever since he started working just so that I could talk to him when he reached home - but I couldn't sleep. I didn't sleep the whole night. When my dad finally woke up for breakfast @ 6am, I immediately went to him.

My parents did all they could to comfort me. They gave me advice, they tried to tell me things, they got me out of home for breakfast. I knew they were trying hard, but I couldn't hide at the sinking feeling in my stomach, I couldn't laugh at the things they joked. I counted the hours, the minutes, the seconds to the time we had to meet - 12pm at my void deck.

12pm - I went down slightly earlier before he reached. Finally getting to see his face after 1 long week, I truly missed him. But there was already an unseen barrier between us that I could not reach out. I asked him if he had slept well, and he answered yes. But I saw the redness in his eyes. It was either he couldn't sleep as well, or that waking up so early (12 is early for him) might have caused it. If he wanted to lie, he didn't have to do so.... but I don't know whether what he said was a truth or lie.

The first thing he uttered was that he could not commit to the relationship. I knew he was going to say that. So I asked him why, and he did not answer me for 10+mins. Throughout the whole 2.5 hours talk, he only spoke a few sentences to me. He only replied to my questions once, and that was also after 10+mins after I asked that question. But there was only once where he suddenly talked. He said he had taken up smoking again, and that he did so because he needed to keep awake during the late nights while he worked. He told me that after his work ends at the end of June, he would quit it again.

I was disappointed. The first time when I caught him smoking, I was furious. He quit instantly, and even made a promise face to face that he would not do it again. And now it happens again. I was so tired, so depressed, I didn't even have the heart to get angry again. All I could do was to start tearing when I heard the news. I never imagined that after trusting him again, he could do it again. I really trusted him. I really thought that he was the kind of guy that would love me enough not to do it. I didn't know what to say. It was half resignment, half disappointment. Back when I first caught him smoking, my family did not believe me when I said he would change for the better and told me he would definitely do it again. Once a person picks up a stick, it is always easier for him to return to it again. But I didn't want to believe them because I felt that Kevin could do it, and I would be there to support him. He would not touch a stick because of me. Looking at what he said now, I really could not say anything else. To tell the truth, although it wounded my heart again, but somehow I could still believe that he would drop the stick after his job. Perhaps I loved him enough to still think that way.

So I told him what I really thought about this job of his. Initially when he said that he would be doing this, I was quite shocked. The first thing in my mind was that we would not be able to spend time together at all! And when I asked him, he actually told me, yes we wouldn't and that the money was good. At that point of time, I was really upset. The money was good? What about us? Is money that important that you don't want to spend time with me anymore? But I told myself, he might need the money, and as his girlfriend I should be there to support him. Who would have known that 1 month into it this happened. I tried so hard. I thought that since he would be so busy, I should not bother him. I tried not to SMS during his working hours as he can't reply. I only asked to meet him once a week. Everything was only me asking him to talk to me. Never once did he ask to meet me back or talk to me unless I told him he was ignoring me. And after we do, he would slide back into his own habits again. It was a never ending rollercoaster and the only reason why I could hold on to the loneliness, of waiting for him was because I loved him. After yesterday's break up, talking to other people made me realise that once a week meetups was never enough in a relationship, in fact it spelled wrong. Just like me, other people said that if he loved you enough, he would reply you back no matter how tired he was, how busy he was, he would talk to you, initiate meetups with you. And now knowing that, I am truly heartbroken to know that what I felt was right.

I asked him if he knew why we were in this kind of unhealthy relationship. The only question he replied to. He told me it's because we didn't communicate. Precisely correct, our relationship was a one-way communication. Unlike other couples, we do not like to chat on the phone. We only meetup, or msn/sms each other. I always tried not to disturb him too much as from previous talks we had, he said before he wanted personal time for himself, so I didn't want to be clingy. I wanted our relationship to work out. I told myself if our r/s could be smooth, it was worth the effort. Sometimes I get angry, but never once had I scolded him over not meeting each other as I didn't believe in forcing him. I believed that he would one day learn to appreciate what I was trying to do for him, that he would learn to do the things I had done for him. I had hoped that he would ask me out, chat with me over smses or msn, asked me how my day was.... even just a simple "hi my dear" would make me happy. I told him how heartbroken I was, to see that he would still comment on other people's facebook statuses when he get home, but would never reply to my SMSes. What was so different between using a few seconds to comment and using a few seconds to SMS? It made me feel as if I had no worth. It made me feel as if his new friends and his job, something that he only acquired recently last month was so much more important than his girlfriend of 4+ years. Where do I stand in his life? What could I do? It all boiled down to the fact that he had been communicating more with them than me. I could not see him. I could not even get him to SMS me back. His friends, he sees them everyday because of his job. He talks to them over these 12 hours. How could I fight that? I don't even get an hour with him. It was probably natural.... that it had become like this.

I asked him why he wanted this job. Why didn't he think of the consequences of how it would affect his lifestyle, his health over smoking and sleeping hours, his relationship with others. Why couldn't he think of me? Whenever I took up a job, I always made sure that I would have some days off to spend time with him. But when he takes up a job, it's just about the money and whether he has the time to go for it, never mind about spending time with me. Is money so important that he would willingly forgo me? Is it so attractive that he doesn't need me anymore? What was his priority in life? Why didn't he think of the bigger picture? Why didn't he think for me, what I had done for him?

After telling him everything, I told him at the end that I didn't want to make him guilty to say sorry. I don't want him to apologise. I just wanted him to say, a simple thank you for all the things I had done for him. But in this 2.5 hours he did not say it once, only sat there quietly, his fingers twisting about, face looking as if he was thinking and wanted to say something to me. So I waited patiently for him to answer my questions, but no answers came.

This relationship was my first. He was my first boyfriend. I wanted it to be happy. I wanted us to be happy. I tried so hard, I sacrificed so many things for him. I really thought that he would be the one in my life. Looking at this now, I feel disappointed that after giving this relationship a 2nd chance after we broke up, we ended up with the same problem again. I love him, as much as I ever did when we first start off together and it had never stopped, the feelings I had for him. But over the years I could not get him to reciprocriate enough for us to continue the way I hoped for. In some ways, I felt like a failure as a girlfriend. Last month when we had our own chalet together, I felt so in love, I felt so happy that we were together. Barely a month later, we broke up. Just one month was all it took because we did not try to communicate with each other, and because I took the wrong step in accomodating him. Maybe that was the reason why he did not love me that much as well.

When we first broke up, I cried so badly for 4 days I couldn't go to school. Now that we broke up, my heart still hurts that deeply as ever like the 1st time, but I cried a little lesser and was more rationale, enough to make this blog post. I decided to write this so that I could always remember this day in my life, this 4 years of relationship.

If you are reading this my dear, for the last time that I can call you. These 4 years had been the best in my life. Never had I loved someone even more than you. It was the 4 years that I loved the most, cried the hardest, smiled the happiest. I have tried very hard, but in the end I probably was not the right girl for you that you could willingly love back just as much. I have many regrets, but I never regretted loving you even though I am heartbroken that you did not even thank me for my efforts. Time will pass, memories may fade, feelings may have dulled. But I want to write this while I still feel it keenly. I will always remember you no matter how much the times have passed, what we did together. I hope that you will do as what you promised, quit smoking when school reopens. I hope that you can change for the better. I hope that you do well for your future. I really wish that I would be the one who could be there to continue to experience all your ups and downs, and yours to mine but if you cannot love me like how I love you, I cannot do anything else. I will miss you, your touch, your voice, your face as we have spent the times together. I love you.

Shujun

Labels: my dear

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