It's been way too long since I last visited my blog. Many times, I remember it's existence, but many times, I choose not to re-read its contents or update posts because of the memories.

I do not know whether I have moved on or not. My heart twists painfully at some points as I read through my old posts, these memories I have written here. The saving point of this was that this has always been the way it was between us. My lifestyle has not changed a single bit ever since the parting of ways, and this was because it has always been that way even though we were together. It makes it easier to cope somehow. Thinking back, that's really very sad to see, a relationship like this and if it is of any comfort, it was a good decision done by Kevin after all, because I would probably just hang on even though the relationship was way past the expiry date. It was a good wake up call for me.

Many times, I tell myself that memories are memories. I write them here as keepsakes, just like how I can't even bear to throw away my primary school birthday presents which was like more than 10 years ago. I'm happy that although I hardly update anymore, I decided to create this blog (on a whim initially) and make the effort to pour my thoughts into it. I'm not one who excels in writing a diary or a blog though. Somehow at the end of the day I find it tiring to go through the sequence of events of the day, unless it was something that had a huge impact on my life.

Why am I updating? I suppose it's just the mood I get sitting down in my room, with the steady patter of rain outside.. I've been quite busy lately, in the sense that I'm trying to catch up with all my friends, past and present and make new ones, and of course striving for certain goals in life. Honestly it is not easy to face my JC classmates, because that was where we met. I can tell that he avoids our outings like plague. It's easy to tell the reason, but of course, I would not know what was it that he feels to act like this. It could be that he felt guilty after the very thorough telling off I gave to him when we broke up (where I simply just whacked bad point after bad point about him... I wince when I think of that. Too harsh but I felt it was necessary ) , it could be because he just feels awkward and thinks that we should not talk to each other until time passes, well it could be millions of reasons. Whatever it is that he feels, I suppose it doesn't concern me anymore. I accept the reality of the situation, and I want to move on. I regularly attend my JC outings because I still treasure them as my friends. I'm doing it for myself and nothing more. Sometimes, it gets a little tired to maintain an uncaring face when he's around, to encourage myself to try and enjoy the outing, to know that they don't talk but have many questions about what has happened but time will pass and everything will just die down. And thankfully it is going that way.

I'm not trying hard to forget whatever that has happened in the past. They are, of course an integral part of me that has shaped my life. Whatever we had done together, I vividly remember. But memories are memories and they are going to stay that way forever. Of course, I will not proudly proclaim that I can meet him face to face and hold a normal conversation, but I'm glad that this has not hindered me in what I want to do.

Honestly it's odd, to write and praise/evaluate myself for how much I'm moving on. If I had to critique myself, I would probably say that people who have truly moved on would not even bother to write to tell themselves they have moved on, because it would show that they are merely trying to deceive themselves from reality and are still struggling. But ever since then, I feel a little emotionally detached, in the sense that I am not so emphatic towards things and I tend to handle my emotions a little more awkwardly, or should I say, logic > emotion (even though my CS1231 sucks big time). Maybe it's because I have started to view many things from a new perspective and am not experienced in handling the situation that way... I do not know. I'll just treat it as a learning process of rediscovering life then. And not to worry, I am absolutely NOT turning psychotic, demented, in need of counseling or other bullshit. I am perfectly normal, I just need some time to cope with new stuff that's coming up, but if you are truly concerned I appreciate that and thank you sincerely. But yeah, just know that I'm fine =)

Ok emo-ing shit aside, I'll try to make this blog a little less gloomy. I quite enjoy catching up with my friends, and it made me realise how much I have neglected the people around me, which again I regret. However it's a little hard to catch up without $$... haha I can't wait to graduate to get a real part time job =( My game artist aspiration is currently put on hold because of the slew of deadlines and tests that are just.... beyond madness. Next week I have around 4 deadlines on consecutive days, and I foresee a very jialat week of less sleep, hair-tearing(figurative) and the feeling of wanting to punch the lecturer. I hope when the exams end and december holidays come I can resume all the things I want to do.... which is quite a bit of stuff.

And annoyingly, my sister is jumping on me about guys that I happen to take photos with and post on my FB. Well as a sister, I can understand that she wants me to be happy but aiyah. I'm not going to tell her off, but where got people so fast get bf one -_- ... haha. And I realise people always keep trying to stir shit between me and random guys in our circles. Maybe they tried last time but always fail because I too oblivious when I was with Kevin, HAHAHAHA. It's quite funny really, but sometimes it gets awkward and I don't know what to say especially if the guy was present, even though it's amusing they think that way.

Chris says I'm a lot less grumpy this semester. I was surprised when I heard it, but when I thought about it I agree with him. That was because when I was still with kev, during the period of time when things were not going well (which is often) I tended to get really moody and irritated easily. After the break up, my mood naturally lifted. Frankly, yes the relationship was not helping me at all, but he's not the sole person to blame. I thank him for giving me a wake up call and thankfully I turned out to be a happier person. And I wish that he has of course become a happier person as well, moving on, finding new joys in life.

Enough ranting. I told myself to sleep 1 hour ago... god -_-. Minna, oyasumi. (omg I know how to write that in japanese, awesomesauce!)

Labels: thoughts, updates

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