Was browsing through songs to download on youtube today and got wrapped up listening to all those songs. Adele's songs caught my attention most and I ended up spending most of the day just listening, and googling out the lyrics.

Many of her songs in the album made me recall the past times with him. As I listened, the emotions started to swell up and my eyes got blurry. I should have stopped then, but somehow I just kept going on, as if I was caught up with the current and couldn't do anything else.

It has been roughly over a year. Do I think of him? Maybe. I wonder how he's doing once in a while. Do I still love him? Time has dulled the emotions enough. But I still cry, when I think back of the moments and how it all ended. It feels paradoxical, crying over losing love when I don't want to go back to it again.

Many around me have asked if I was going to look for a new boyfriend. My reply was always, no. But to put it more accurately, it's not that I don't want to be in love, it's just that I haven't found someone I want to be with at the moment. I have to say, I'm not really easy to talk to and am quite the introvert. Somemore the guy has to fit my "criteria". I wonder how am I ever going to find a guy this way. Haha. Maybe it's time to pray I'll meet someone in my new school (so impossibru methinks).

I guess it's always good to cry once in a while when you are feeling down, for whatever reason it may be. Feeling a little better now.

Labels: thoughts

It's been a long and exciting day for me.

Went out with pauline, subby, jo, issac and ben for dinner. Great food, great company. Headed over to pauline's house to watch the tv show of the year - GE2011 results.

Even though I'm not from Aljunied or Hougang, I felt really happy for the opposition for winning the constituencies. Aljunied was a rather shaky win, but that was understandable given that GY was contesting too. If I were from that constituency it would really be hard for me to make a decision.

Many people have lamented the loss of GY as a foreign minister, with some even saying that Singaporeans are not using their brains, and wasting talented people just because they want "change". As much as I agree with them on the loss, I find it insanely stupid to make such comments.

Are Sylvia Lim and Low Thia Khiang not people deserving of a seat in parliament? Have their talents gone unrecognised? If GY managed to get into parliament, would you have lamented for the loss of these 2 people? I think back to the very moment when SL, as an NMP, made a speech opposing the salary hike of ministers which I thought was a very fair and just opposition, and brilliantly spoken. Although LTK is not my MP, he has impressed me with how he really tries to speak up and fight for his own constituency. To a certain extent, this win for WP is not a "trendy" phenomenon as some people may think. I do not think that to vote for LTK and SL over GY is a stupid thing to do, nor does it signify ruin for the country, because they are people who are equally deserving of that seat in parliament.

People may say that Aljunied voters are not seeing the big picture. Yes I agree, losing a capable foreign minister is a heavy loss for Singapore. But gaining 2 more capable ministers in the parliament of my country, that actively fight for the local populace on bread and butter issues is so much more, especially in a crucial situation that Singapore is in right now. (foreign influx, problems in transport, income gap) If we are not going to elect people to address these pressing concerns, then we are not seeing the internal "big picture" too.

I am not saying that I am anti-PAP. I respect the party for what they have done, and for that I support them too. There are several MPs from the PAP who also rightfully deserve a seat, like Dr Lily Neo and I'm glad that they have won and will continue to serve in parliament. I support GY, I support LTK and SL, but it's not like Aljunied voters have a choice to keep everyone when they are all contesting each other right? Already, this is reflected in the close % of votes - that people do want to have all 3 of them into parliament. So stop the needless flaming. It is sad to see GY go, but I believe if there's a will, there's a way. He will definitely continue to serve Singapore even from the sidelines, just as how opposition candidates have continued to actively campaign despite defeat.

If Singapore is a truly meritocratic society, GY would not have been a sacrificial lamb in this year's elections. Don't give the voters a hard time if you truly mean well for us, for Singapore's progress, because you jolly well know who the capable people are and everyone is aware. That's all I want to say.

Labels: thoughts

Sometimes I think I can read people. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes I get it wrong. But more often than not, my intuition saves my ass from many unimportant situations that do not concern me.

And this is a load of bullshit you are reading, dear reader. Because I have just reached home at 7+am and spent my time making my sentences readable than being coherent.

-----
ok enough with the bullshit. last few sentences of sanity before I lose it:

- it is highly enjoyable to talk cock till 7+am again like old times

- i feel somewhat bad. but the guilt is apparently not my fault. but i still feel it.

- i. do. not. effing. understand. just what is wrong with the whole wide world. some things are just so common sense but people just don't get it, i discover more and more adult babies (the horror) after the lengthy discussion. it's half annoying, half worrying, half exasperating to watch. wait, that's 3 halves and i don't make sense.

- it's not that i don't compromise. but it's pretty much a great difference in values.

- some people do not make great actors.

- i feel cheated, but thanks for your care and 2/10 (to that certain someone). i do appreciate what you do for me. be very assured the remaining 1/10 for my side will never happen in our lives though.

- bumpy ride, tough times. please take care of yourselves people, no matter what happens.

Labels: random stuff, thoughts, updates

Instead of commenting on a boy getting murdered on Halloween, I'm going to comment on the girl who got flamed by the public for saying that some people are such hypocrites for starting some FB group in memory of the deceased when they don't know him well. Lol...

Honestly, I do agree with her POV and I believe that it takes much more sincerity than just an act of saying "I feel sad for him and his family" and clicking on the "join" button. The ones who truly will remember him will continue to do so for weeks, months, perhaps years depending on the degree of closeness. But alas, most netizens probably mourn out of a sense of feeling sadness for a death of a young person, and probably not because of Darren Ng (the deceased). I guess that's what she was trying to say, but it lacked tact, and well a little emphathy. Anyway, after this entire flaming incident I doubt many will dare to criticize openly in public. Lol.

Well that wasn't really the topic I had in mind. I just wanted to comment that even I myself lack emphathy for many things, in many areas. Consoling friends especially, I suck in that. The last time I tried to console a friend turned out to be a huge WTF-fest because we ended up arguing on what defines a friend, and other various shit that I don't remember (and don't want to). At the end of it all, when I probably had a headache and was so sick and tired of it did he say that I was rather ungracious. But when I think back about it, I was probably that ungracious because I was fed up with the issue he wanted me to console about in the first place.

Many times have I lost my cool, or said something regrettable due to emotions and probably that's why I always try hard to control myself - telling myself to think logically, rationally before I do something I regret. I think it ended up affecting my sense of emphathy =/

Ok what's this seriously. I'm blabbering stuff incoherently at 4am. Good night world. Need a good rest for the AI chionging session. =.= Hope we pwn the other teams haha (like Travis says).

Labels: thoughts

woke up late, shamefully not from work but due to watching too much anime -__-. and i missed my tutorial which I was supposed to present... haiz.

attended AI tutorial and game dev. didn't absorb much. played my ds after lessons till I had to go home for family dinner. continued playing ds after dinner till midnight and here i am typing on my blog. i need to start work.... i need discipline! RAWR

currently im playing "the world ends with you". It's quite fun, and I liked the progression of the plot and battle system, as well as the whole theme and concepts. Daniel peeped into my screen while I was playing and said it was a bore, but I thought it was pretty fun. I guess different people have different likes. Just because he said it was a bore doesn't mean that it's a lousy game right? And Sheng, always wanting to display his "broad otaku and gaming knowledge", yeah I know he plays games more than me, but honestly I don't really listen to his opinions because I think he doesn't know how to appreciate many aspects of games. In fact, I think there are many people who don't. I have yet to find someone who truly appreciates game/anime music in club. I think my collection of BGM , although quite pathetic has already outstripped everyone elses' because simply, they think it's a bore to have no vocals(most of the time). They only know how to go "OMG IT'S ONE WINGED ANGEL SEPHIROTH ROXXORZ" which I truly think is overrated. It is a magnificent track, and for that scene in the game it was the perfect match. But again, it is too overrated in the sense. When I try to show some people game music that I felt was even better than that, like Kingdom Heart's "Destati", they just end up uninterested. Heck, it wasn't even 30 seconds into the BGM before they asked to change songs.

Soundtracks are not just about the lead/ending songs. I feel that one should also listen and try to appreciate the tracks that are played throughout the game or anime to get a feel of how the person or situation was portrayed, to really FEEL how it is like to be in the game. I have listened to countless wonderful soundtracks throughout my life as a gamer and an otaku(a bit la), and I really find it distasteful when people only compare how good games and anime can get through their graphics and how "entertaining/boring " it is. Whatever happened to people who could appreciate the novelty of their battle systems? The plot, how they planned the sequence of events, character development, the combination and customization of teams and inventories? Nowadays, all people can think of is just "power levelling", which has become the epitome of Maplestory, a game which I have already quit.

I was a mindless grinder once, and deep down inside I suppose there is still a part of me that willingly grinds just to level up, just to unlock every single bonus, get every single extra ending out there like any typical fan. But I would like to think I'm not so superficial. The hours I spent training on my Bishop in Maple, I also took the time to check out their BGMs, trying out their quests, admiring how they have done their pixel art so well, the concepts they have tried to take in, towns and jobs they created. I love everything, the entire process of creating games to make them so enjoyable for people like me. So it saddens me to find people like those in club who do not fully appreciate such things, and still aim to create games with that kind of attitude. Even if I am not qualified with my lupsup skills to create games, and that they did in the end, I would still think that way.

Labels: thoughts

Before you boast, have some decency to look at what you fail in.

I can daresay that I have never boasted openly in front of others how good I am. Or at the very least, I would tend to give a strong opinion on things which I am good at. But never have I said that I am "better than you" unless someone pissed me off or if they asked me that question because I believe that if one is good, it will show naturally without having to say.

And it never fails to irritate me (or more recently it does) when people start to compare about how smart a person is to me. Look, I know what I suck in, and what I don't. I'm ok with people making fun of my inability to do subjects like physics, I don't really let it get to me because I don't care anyway, but that doesn't make me stupid. Please don't make it as if I have no ability to excel in anything else. And sometimes, some people just get carried away and the whole conversation just becomes insulting to my dignity as a person who has a brain, literally and figuratively and possess some skills.

And even more I scorn at people who say in front of me that they think they are "smarter than me", because there is never a single person who is smarter than any other in every aspect. We all have our strengths and abilities. Just like how a person is good in English, he or she may be bad in Science. What's the big boasting of how great you are in general when you have your own areas that you do not excel in? I really do not understand just how much of an ego boost these people need. Usually, I would just smile and let the person rant whatever they want, but the condescending way (it felt to me) he/she talked just made me pissed. Want to compare, please start on EQUAL grounds and compare. Please don't take only the areas that you are strong in and simply say that others are not smart, because that's a shitload of bull and I'm not taking it. Please don't factor in the fucking obvious bias-ness that is spilling out of your perspective to judge as well. Also, please take a good look at whether people WANT or people CAN excel. There can be people who have the ability to do well, but due to external factors that doesn't mean they are not as good as you, it's just that they didn't put in the right effort and get judged superficially.

I know that sometimes I criticize people for their inability to do something well, or make certain remarks that may not go well with people but I always try and refrain from saying. That and that I know that everyone has different strengths so I should not judge them on the whole just like that (unless I make a joke or suan them for fun).

Seriously, take a good look at yourself before you start to say you are smart.

Labels: thoughts

It's been way too long since I last visited my blog. Many times, I remember it's existence, but many times, I choose not to re-read its contents or update posts because of the memories.

I do not know whether I have moved on or not. My heart twists painfully at some points as I read through my old posts, these memories I have written here. The saving point of this was that this has always been the way it was between us. My lifestyle has not changed a single bit ever since the parting of ways, and this was because it has always been that way even though we were together. It makes it easier to cope somehow. Thinking back, that's really very sad to see, a relationship like this and if it is of any comfort, it was a good decision done by Kevin after all, because I would probably just hang on even though the relationship was way past the expiry date. It was a good wake up call for me.

Many times, I tell myself that memories are memories. I write them here as keepsakes, just like how I can't even bear to throw away my primary school birthday presents which was like more than 10 years ago. I'm happy that although I hardly update anymore, I decided to create this blog (on a whim initially) and make the effort to pour my thoughts into it. I'm not one who excels in writing a diary or a blog though. Somehow at the end of the day I find it tiring to go through the sequence of events of the day, unless it was something that had a huge impact on my life.

Why am I updating? I suppose it's just the mood I get sitting down in my room, with the steady patter of rain outside.. I've been quite busy lately, in the sense that I'm trying to catch up with all my friends, past and present and make new ones, and of course striving for certain goals in life. Honestly it is not easy to face my JC classmates, because that was where we met. I can tell that he avoids our outings like plague. It's easy to tell the reason, but of course, I would not know what was it that he feels to act like this. It could be that he felt guilty after the very thorough telling off I gave to him when we broke up (where I simply just whacked bad point after bad point about him... I wince when I think of that. Too harsh but I felt it was necessary ) , it could be because he just feels awkward and thinks that we should not talk to each other until time passes, well it could be millions of reasons. Whatever it is that he feels, I suppose it doesn't concern me anymore. I accept the reality of the situation, and I want to move on. I regularly attend my JC outings because I still treasure them as my friends. I'm doing it for myself and nothing more. Sometimes, it gets a little tired to maintain an uncaring face when he's around, to encourage myself to try and enjoy the outing, to know that they don't talk but have many questions about what has happened but time will pass and everything will just die down. And thankfully it is going that way.

I'm not trying hard to forget whatever that has happened in the past. They are, of course an integral part of me that has shaped my life. Whatever we had done together, I vividly remember. But memories are memories and they are going to stay that way forever. Of course, I will not proudly proclaim that I can meet him face to face and hold a normal conversation, but I'm glad that this has not hindered me in what I want to do.

Honestly it's odd, to write and praise/evaluate myself for how much I'm moving on. If I had to critique myself, I would probably say that people who have truly moved on would not even bother to write to tell themselves they have moved on, because it would show that they are merely trying to deceive themselves from reality and are still struggling. But ever since then, I feel a little emotionally detached, in the sense that I am not so emphatic towards things and I tend to handle my emotions a little more awkwardly, or should I say, logic > emotion (even though my CS1231 sucks big time). Maybe it's because I have started to view many things from a new perspective and am not experienced in handling the situation that way... I do not know. I'll just treat it as a learning process of rediscovering life then. And not to worry, I am absolutely NOT turning psychotic, demented, in need of counseling or other bullshit. I am perfectly normal, I just need some time to cope with new stuff that's coming up, but if you are truly concerned I appreciate that and thank you sincerely. But yeah, just know that I'm fine =)

Ok emo-ing shit aside, I'll try to make this blog a little less gloomy. I quite enjoy catching up with my friends, and it made me realise how much I have neglected the people around me, which again I regret. However it's a little hard to catch up without $$... haha I can't wait to graduate to get a real part time job =( My game artist aspiration is currently put on hold because of the slew of deadlines and tests that are just.... beyond madness. Next week I have around 4 deadlines on consecutive days, and I foresee a very jialat week of less sleep, hair-tearing(figurative) and the feeling of wanting to punch the lecturer. I hope when the exams end and december holidays come I can resume all the things I want to do.... which is quite a bit of stuff.

And annoyingly, my sister is jumping on me about guys that I happen to take photos with and post on my FB. Well as a sister, I can understand that she wants me to be happy but aiyah. I'm not going to tell her off, but where got people so fast get bf one -_- ... haha. And I realise people always keep trying to stir shit between me and random guys in our circles. Maybe they tried last time but always fail because I too oblivious when I was with Kevin, HAHAHAHA. It's quite funny really, but sometimes it gets awkward and I don't know what to say especially if the guy was present, even though it's amusing they think that way.

Chris says I'm a lot less grumpy this semester. I was surprised when I heard it, but when I thought about it I agree with him. That was because when I was still with kev, during the period of time when things were not going well (which is often) I tended to get really moody and irritated easily. After the break up, my mood naturally lifted. Frankly, yes the relationship was not helping me at all, but he's not the sole person to blame. I thank him for giving me a wake up call and thankfully I turned out to be a happier person. And I wish that he has of course become a happier person as well, moving on, finding new joys in life.

Enough ranting. I told myself to sleep 1 hour ago... god -_-. Minna, oyasumi. (omg I know how to write that in japanese, awesomesauce!)

Labels: thoughts, updates

Working feels great. I mean, getting money feels awesome.

That was how I felt when I finally got my pay for the last 2 days today. At last my account doesn't look empty anymore. But right now I worry for the next job because I won't get hired (that NTU one) till July again. I don't like the feeling of floating around doing odd jobs here and there. I like stable ones but as a part timer I can't expect much. The upside about that NTU job was that the ic was pleased enough with my work to even ask me to come back during the December holidays to continue working for them. (makes me happy too) So I won't have to keep searching for another job.

Looking around, seeing people take the MRT, I start to really observe the people around me. Like the lady who carries a Coach handbag and a MiuMiu in another. Another who crams her feet into a pair of heels too small for her obviously but looks pretty expensive. Of exhausted people sleeping on the train after a day of work. That's probably how I might become someday and honestly, I feel like a very, very common person. In the sense that I'm just another plain'o fish in the sea swimming about trying to survive. Don't know. I think I should do something really enriching for myself. Ok I think it's a little abstract. But anyways, I really appreciate doing work that I like. I liked that admin job because I got to play with photoshop and pictures so it wasn't that bad. I enjoyed it so much that I didn't even mind OT-ing a little before I left. So yeah. I really hope I will get a game artist's dip and get employed doing work I enjoy. That's probably the first and most important goal for me.

Labels: thoughts

So after roughly 3 weeks of finding, I've findly secured a part time job for next Mon-Tues. If it goes well I'll get to continue it for the rest of my vacation.

This has probably be the most head scratching, anxious period of my life where I had to keep checking my emails and handphone for any new msgs, updating myself on those job forums to know the trade and all that shit. Now I know how it really feels to be unemployed and trying hard to seek for a job -_- It has come to the point where even my mother is asking me if I was going to just slack away at home for the rest of my holidays - something which I particularly dislike because I don't talk about my personal job huntings and activities to anyone including my family unless they ask me, and they end up assuming and gossiping behind my back thinking that I'm really slacking off. Since then I've told her directly to stop assuming the next time and just ask me if she had any questions about my plans for the vacation. I hope that would put a stop to this ridiculousness.

I finally got a call from the recruitment agency that I applied for, thank god. Interestingly the job's based in NTU, so I guess the environment won't be too bad. The pay's a little low (accordingly from Kevin) but I don't really mind as long as it's not too ridiculous.

Been trying to create a portfolio for the application to a diploma when I graduate. I realised it's not that easy after all. I'm not interested in a programming diploma, having gone through all that in SoC (which I obviously do not have the potential in it), so I was thinking of going into the game artist track. That would probably mean that I would be competing with accomplished artists that come from those art schools in these sort of things? Thinking about it gives me the shivers, especially when I don't even have a proper foundation for these things. I think the competition for entry would be like sky high -_- especially for those like the Digipen/Ubisoft campus program.

Perhaps this is not a surprise, but my parents were probably never supportive of my interest in this field. All my mother thinks of is that the pay is low, the work hours are long and it's a horribly lousy job that would not suffice for me. My dad doesn't say anything, but I think he may have his own reasons that would not say to me. Since secondary school, it has always been the case when I considered to go to poly to get a diploma in game art, they vehemently objected to it, even going so far to tell me there would be degrees like that in university which I stupidly followed by entering JC in the end. Well look what happened. No local university offers that kind of course that I want, and I was stupid enough to not do my homework and just blindly believed them.

At this point, I feel very angry for what they have done despite the fact that they probably want to do it in the best interest of their child. I feel disappointed that after so many years, they still go about the traditional way of enforcing the scholarly route for their children and advocate that these jobs/degrees are not going to help me in future when they don't keep up with the times and do some homework themselves. Sure, I don't expect high pay for what I want to do, I already know that it's not going to be an easy road (just my own stuff is already pouring the man-hours in especially artwork), so I think it's better to try myself since my parents are not really that enthusiastic in helping.

There's really a lot that I want to say on this, but I guess I'll just end it here. It's motivating yet depressing.

P.s.: my desktop just gave up on me. I think the graphics card is overheated to the point of no return. Hangs at the login page every. single. time.

Labels: thoughts, updates

if people have been following my posts regularly, i supposed you would have remembered that i once said that i attended the geog lecture in which i chopped seats for a huge bunch of people, and ended up only 2 came?

that lecture happened to be the last for geog, and usually lecturers would give out tips and all that for the exams. so now it's the study week, and i have a friend who msged me out of the blue asking me if i attended that lecture and what tips did the lecturer give.

some part of me feels a little indigant, like what? she's not really that close to me and we've never talked ever since FOW last year. another part of me was thinking, aiyah just give lor, help a bit.

which reminds me back to the stupid event where i chopped seats for everyone and none came. it made me feel that going the extra mile was really not worth it when people know that i always chop seats for them but yet didn't really appreciate the effort by not telling me they weren't coming (so that i won't get stared at). so, no to those people who i take geog with, and since i don't feel that kind, sry hi bye friend, i suppose i won't give it to you as well.

actually, it's only for this incident that i'm like that. i think if it's other modules, i wouldn't have minded giving out the info from the lecturer lor. maybe somewhere down the road in future sems, i might be lazy and not go for the last lecture. *shrugs* then i'll just deserve it lor. i think that will motivate me to go for lectures regularly lol!

p.s.: to tell the truth, the lecturer gave close to no tips. but that will be for me to know, and them to well, try to find out then.

Labels: school life, thoughts

Letting it all out is always the best medicine. I mean letting it all out at the person involved. And I mean nicely.

I've learnt that raging at my bf doesn't work 10 out of 10 times, because every single time I rage at him I still feel angry at the very end and it's annoying to pull these remnents of anger out to make me feel better.

I always like to rage (it's not my nature to be nice when something makes me angry). That's because I find that sometimes being nice means overlooking certain problems in an issue which could be one of the reasons why I get angry over and sometimes, I don't see why I should be so nice when others are obviously in the wrong. Sometimes I try to think that it's a small matter, but if it means a lot to me or if it keeps recurring I'll get worked up over it eventually. However I'll try to keep it in mind to be nicer next time. (I think I will rage for quite a while before I get down to that though).

Really wish this doesn't happen again. Sigh.

On a brighter note, I finally, truely, deeply, gratefully finished my CS2105 programming assignment. Big thanks to my partner Kenny who was very hardworking (means that we don't have to slog on the last day now!) Now I'm left with my last essay which I can finally write in peace after sorting out my problems. 3 library books to read through for ideas on a Saturday alone at home -_- (family's gone out) Whee.

XOXO

Labels: thoughts

When I'm a bad mood, it is triggered usually by:

Labels: complaints, thoughts, updates

It was probably 1 or 2 days ago that one of my peeps in the club room asked around if anyone wanted to join in the donation drive that was happening in NUS. I said I didn't want to because I felt it was like getting ripped off.

People donate their blood for free, they store it in the blood bank. When patients need blood transfusion, they will use the blood and the hospital charges for it. Which is why I find it a piece of bullshit that if these institutions dare to ask for blood donations, they can still find it reasonable to charge for it. And it's not like their system is really transparent either. Who knows if the blood fees are already included in the medical bill long ago? It's like those departmental stores or restaurants that have discounts but actually included the base price long ago.

Then another friend stared at me, and started going :" But next time if you get into an accident, you will also need the blood what..." Seriously, WTF? Sorry to you cowards out there, please don't fucking donate your blood just because you're scared that you won't get blood next time. It reflects nothing good about your character, you are NOT kind-hearted as claimed in advertisements, you are nothing but a HYPOCRITE.

And I have to add, that particular person went on saying that they will give a special card that gives you priority in your queues in the polyclinic so that you can save time. Bloody hell. This only shows how materialistic and shallow one can be. Volunteering under the name of charity like this is a farce.

You donate to save these people man. Not because you want to save your sorry ass in the future, not because you want to get these cheapskate benefits. I have a strong personal belief that to do volunteering work, one must have the sincerity. Even if I don't want to donate, at least I know my conscience is clear. Till the day I find out that my mentality was a misconception, I probably won't donate blood. But I will still donate for other causes that I think are worthy.

Labels: thoughts

9's awesomeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Everyone who went to the cinema together can testify that! Though Jo says the plot's too simple but for me it's just exciting! You never know what will happen to them, it's so scary. I could never be like 9 though, I'll just shriek and hide away.

I feel very lucky to have my dad as, well, my dad. Just had one of our longest heart to heart talks about anything under the sun. He made me understand many things, to learn, to do in life, in love, in work. It may sound really simple as you read it, but it's actually a lot more deeper than that... but that's private, ah haha.

Feel much better now, as if an emotional burden was lifted. When was the last time I felt this way? Must have been ages ago.

Labels: movies, thoughts

I'm not a Jay Chou fan but I've been hooked on 2 of his songs, because I think the tunes are really nice! And I like the way he sings his voice in high pitch, just too cool somehow hahahhaha.

Just had my project meeting and I left with a headache. I feel like a noob -_-. And I realise, I'm quite the introvert. I can't open up freely like how I used to anymore. Not only on this blog, but in front of people as well.

Labels: school life, thoughts

Recess week doesn't feel like recess week anymore :( Everyday there's always something, and I can't possibly refuse them because it's either:

1. School work related
2. Haven't seen the peeps for so long
3. Something I badly need to do
4. Birthday parties

I feel like searching for work to finance my spending. Not that I'm spending much, I'm actually cutting down by only spending on food and transport only. However sometimes I just want to spend on some wants to make myself happy and that needs ka-ching, quite a bit of it. Problem here is that I can't really work too much since I'm taking 6 modules. Problem indeed. So... too bad :(

Labels: thoughts

It only struck me today to blog about it after the 3rd time this happens.

Anyways, was going home from sch as usual, and went to buy my fav bubble tea (whee) and some lunch to eat at home. Walking to the bus station, there was a girl who stopped me and asked for a donation.

Usually I don't like ticket donations, because they involve some obscenely huge amount(huge for a donation IMO)I asked who was she doing it for and she said it was for SMU CIP.

Wah it really brings back memories of my NUSSU Flag Day - was hell. This girl is so lucky, the whole Jurong interchange only have her walking around trying to sell the tickets. When I was doing my Flag Day, it was competition everywhere. Students vied to get the best hotspots, and there were so many of us that when you ask people to donate, everyone says they donated already -_-|||

Anyway so in the end I donated that $2 for a ticket that I probably wouldn't use. She was really happy at selling off another ticket, who wouldn't? If you ask me to choose between shit work and CIP, I would choose shit work unless that shit work is really too shitty to be done. I bet that out of the whole Singapore student population, only 10% would bother to volunteer to do this kind of things. No wonder it's mandatory for all the students now (except for uni level cuz I doubt if NUS makes it compulsory, but SMU is I think).

Which again comes to the point - I'm in essence just donating to help that poor girl clock her CIP hours and finish her task so that she can go and do her own things. My mum has always tried to instill a sense of duty to donate to the needy whenever I can, but I don't think it worked too effectively in the end because as I grew up, I thought it was rather stupid to just donate blindly to anyone I see. Furthermore, I didn't really feel very gracious to be throwing out my money so easily just because it's under a name of charity. There had to be more than just that to donate. If I don't have the real heart to do it, I feel like I'm a hypocrite, someone who just wants to donate to look good in front of others.

Right now, all the times I've donated was only because people bothered to make the effort to ask me (should applaude them for the effort), and because it made me remember how tough it is to get donations after numerous scams have plagued the charity scene even up till now. So I donate as a erm... ex- fellow- helper.

Speaking of effort, a certain relative of mine called up my house one day wanting to speak with my mum. My sister took the call instead. Turns out his daughter was selling tickets for her school and he asked if we could buy for her. After ending the call, my sister told us and me and mama's reaction was immediate.

"Huh! Buy tickets again? How many times already!"

What made us jump was because time and time again, our relative kept persuading us to buy tickets to support his child's school raising fund. That's the thing with prestigous schools. They have god-knows how many alumni and wealthy parents supporting them backstage, but the kids still have to sell tickets to raise more money for them. As if they weren't rich enough already, look at their school facilities. (*snort*) The worse thing is if they can't sell it off, usually they are forced to buy the rest of the unsold tickets. Then the school will probably go "yadayada we sold off all the tickets thanks for your great support and love for the school!" Bullshit.

I have never attended a prestigous school, not even up till JC. All were neighbourhood schools. But at least when we do fund raising, they never forced us to buy all the unsold tickets, at the most only persuade us to "try harder". I still remember while selling the tickets for JJC, it was ok to return the unsold tickets, I saw people collecting them at a booth. Ok la given that usually there are more people who aren't so rich in neighbour schools, but still it's outrageous to force people to buy all of them. This is not the attitude one should have to face when helping to sell tickets - because it's a you-pay-or-I-pay-and-school-still-wins situation. So unfair right?

But what I was most against was the fact that my uncle actually had to call on behalf of my cousin. What is so embarrassing (if any) to ask us directly herself? If she can so freely claim to be a student of a prestigous school, what's so hard to sell tickets from her school then? Suddenly turn shy? She's a teenager, with capacity to think and act on her own but ends up having to get her father to do the job for her. Personally I feel that this is more of a humiliation than having to beg her relatives to buy her tickets.

Well, good luck to her at any rate. I sincerely hope she can sell off those tickets, but with more effort.

Labels: thoughts

I don't really comment on politics. But maybe since I'm 21 already, I'll comment a little! (and hope I get a change to exercise my right to vote)

Story found... in the ST newspaper I read 1 or 2 days ago.

Short summary for the lazy people:
- These 2 are known as the opposition wards
- They actually managed to get lift upgrading finally (never thought I would see the day actually)
- *hint hint* Election is drawing near when you see carrots

Great news for the old folks although they have to endure years of endless drilling everyday. Papa was saying, how come never do for Jurong East? Our blocks are also very old. Frankly speaking, I would rather they do the lift upgrading after I graduate so I can study in peace. So no complaints with me.

But ANYWAYS, I just find it really weird. Firstly such projects like your lift upgrading programme - I think it's fair to say it's a public right to have it (with our aging population + they HAVE to use taxpayers' money for us anyway), and it's fair to say that the government is supposed to work on it. True enough, PAP forms the majority of the government, but to deny say-its-not-your-turn-yet-for-goodness-knows-how-many-years seems rather unfair. I haven't visited Hougang or Potong Pasir often (I could say only twice in my life), but from what I hear from my peers, the estates seem to be more rundown than my own in Jurong East - doesn't that signal an urgent need for something to be done? Incompetency? Inefficiency? Or just deliberate ignorance? I wonder. The money is the public's money, but yet there is no equality in receiving the end product of paying all our taxes to the government, which is supposed to represent Singapore as a country and not as PAP alone.

In short: PAP uses our public funds to gain our votes? Hmmm. I hope residents over there don't get tricked into voting PAP just because of this, because it has always been their right to have lift upgradings in the first place irregardless of who they vote for. Would be very stupid if your MP is from the opposition, and he tried so hard to get the lift upgrading for you but you go thank the PAP for giving you the lift.

In fact, I don't even know if the opposition MPs finally managed to secure the agreement through 100% hard work, or if it was just coincidental that someone wanted to put carrots for the 'rebellious rabbits' out there in some part of Singapore. Sorry I forgot, this year got low construction costs also, how could they miss the opportunity!

Just some food for thought.

Labels: thoughts

Yesterday marked the end of CGF'09, which in my opinion was a much better-held competition than last year. As usual, the finals were exciting :) Hopefully, next year's CGF will be bigger and better!

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So it was when the competition ended, and I went upstairs to get away from the crowd that Peide asked me if I was interested in joining Rag dance this year (even when I never said I was free after CGF). Although this is the usual trend that all SOCians face(trying to and being asked to join RnF), for the first time it's people asking me to join instead of the reverse.

I think I can understand how those people who were being asked felt whenever raggers "pester" them. But unlike some people, I don't beat around the bush. If I say no, I mean it. I never ever make promises which I cannot keep like saying if XXX joins I will join or what shit. All those times people asked me to join from the previous float session I went, I only said I would see how my schedule went. If can't, then cannot lor.

I never told what I aimed to do during the holidays with anyone except for my boyfriend. Perhaps the only one clue would be in my wishlist, but then again nobody knows when I wanted to acheive it. So when I told Peide that I wanted to acheive 200 asap before I would ever join Rag, he just gave me a "wtf" look. Should have expected it, gah.

Honestly, why I wanted to reach 200 was due to the fact that I wanted to quit from this game. After playing for 4 whole years, it has really come to a point where I have close to little interest in getting pro equipments, making millions of money in-game. All I wanted was to put an end to everything with finishing up my life-long dream of attaining 200, and quit as it is. I would never sell my account though, what with the many months of grinding, money and effort poured in; I think selling my account would almost equate that I did everything for nothing, and the cash I could get from selling could just be spent in a few months. If I really needed money, I'd just do a part-time job.

I suppose most people who were never hard-core players in MS would never understand how it feels like to miss a 2x event. At my level now, 1 hour of non-stop training would only give me a paltry amount of 3% of the 100% needed (with no special 2x, no extra exp ring, no 2x coupon). If I was a robot, I could only acheive this in 1.5 days. But I'm not. I'm like any other person; I need my rest, manage my stuff, eat, bathe etcetc. Let's say that I only train 8 hours+ring+coupon a day. (which is alot, 1/3 of the day) I would need at least 3 days to just gain a fucking level, and I have 8 levels to go. 3X8 = 24 days, and furthermore the nearer you are to 200, say 197 or 198 the exp slows down to 1-2% per hour which is worse - it's more than 24 days to get 200. Oh and btw, the ring event is only available for a limited period of time.

Just for CGF I have already sacrificed 8 hours worth of training, which means I end up having to train for 16hrs instead of 8hrs. And mind you, its non-stop training, it does not include any fr ee time to rest or what. But wait, why am I bothering to do the math for anyone? People would probably just think "Aiyah Bell just wants to play maple la, stop making excuses". They don't understand how fucking bloody hard it is to get to where I am, and where I want to go. They don't understand my situtation, what I want to do for myself. I want to quit, and be able to make more time for my family, friends and studies. I'm going to graduate soon, and if I don't concentrate on working hard for my future I will have a tough time making up for it. And how many times have I told my friends that I wasn't going to attend outings because of some special 2x event in maple? I can't even remember. Nowadays I don't eat with my family because the 2x events always land right smack during our dinner times, and my parents end up buying back for me. So I have decided to stop this tiring lifestyle and just move on.

On top of that, I'm paying real cash just so I can get the 2x exp coupon so that I can train faster. Definitely I wouldn't want to sacrifice the money I paid for going to rag dance. If people don't know how to respect others' decisions that are very impt to them, I don't see why I should bother accomodating them. I have been actively joining RnF activities for 2 years++, in fact, more active than some people; what's wrong in not helping for a year? Why should I be getting wtf faces when I say I'm not joining? So that I would feel guilty? Have a sense of duty to contribute? No thank you, I've had enough for the moment and I absolutely have no sense of guilt at all. It's not like RnF this year would come crashing down to nothingness without me, everyone is doing just fine and what's more, Rag had fucking more dancers than the previous year.

I don't think I'm being a hypocrite. If people want to work during their holidays instead of helping out, if they are financially strapped then of course I would not KP them. But if they are already having a comfortable lifestyle and just want more cash to have more buffet lunches, well I would recommend that they help in RnF instead. I'm not setting standards of whether you should join or not, but just trying to illustrate the fact that you can't just look at the surface of things; you have to consider the situation one is in. In my case, it's a case of people thinking "Bell just wants to play la", not "Bell wants to move on".

Some people may say, what's the hurry? Maple can always play later one mah, RnF once a year only leh. Sorry, at least RnF comes annually for sure, but my exp coupon and ring mule is not going to come annually. And also I hope to finish what I wanted to do before school starts so that I can fully concentrate. Maybe you can say, "exp coupon just buy again lor". Then the ring how? It's only obtainable through a special event and I don't even know if they will ever have it again. Besides, "money lor", then you pay me lor. Only $30/mth, as much as your hp bill only~~~ :D You pay for me, I go dance. Oh not to forget, please remember to find someone to help me grind for 8 hours straight everyday, thanks. Then people may go "nobody forced you to play maple in the first place", well, nobody said I HAD to join RnF what, it's volunteery also HOR?

I'm not trying to illustrate that I'm a "poor thing" or what; I don't need sympathy, neither am I saying that I'm such a busy person and all of you should be oh-so-sorry that you dared to ask me to take time off from my busy schedule, no. All I ask is that people be a little more understanding and less superficial about what I'm doing. Maybe you think it's not worth it to spend so much time and effort on just-another-virtual-game, but it has really shaped my character in some way to where I am now. Even if you find it useless, at least I don't so have some respect thanks. If anyone reads this msg and passes it on, I don't need any apologies. If you want to be understanding, just drop this entire matter. If you think I deserve to be KP-ed, I don't care. This is my one-time post of my opinion to get it out of my system.

Labels: aspirations, thoughts

My mum was conversing with one of her sisters when suddenly my aunt asked:" Did you know XXX just had a son?"

And my mum replied no, and there was the usual "duno what's going on" commentary. After which when they hung up, my mum proceeded to call XXX to congratulate on the birth of her newborn. I was in my room doing stuff, but from what my mother said to XXX's mum, it seemed that the child was already 2 weeks old, yet none of the relatives knew as they didn't inform us, claiming they were too "busy".

XXX is my cousin, and her mum was married into the family of my mum's side. I don't really have any personal vendetta against that particular family because I hardly interacted with them since young. And also because I have heard so much gossip over annual family gatherings, and unpleasant incidents that my sister and mum had with them that naturally made me stay away.

My mum was going, "aiyah if she didn't wanted to let us know, I shouldn't have made the call already" and my sister was going "XXX's mum must be very proud that she finally has a grandson lor".

2 things.

1. Although we are all family only in legal terms, I would have never even bothered to give a call. If people want to pretend, what I would have done was to just act along like nothing happened and only give a dramatic *gasp* when I finally "knew" the news. Of course it's not what I normally do; only for people that I don't like, or am not familiar with. And in this case, it's generally most of that particular family. All along, all the relatives have been trying to get along with XXX's mum, treating her as part of the family and being nice but she's the one who's been giving a detestable attitude. Don't get me wrong: I don't mean that she's a horrid person, but just thinking about past incidences of stuff that she did especially to my mum has given me a rather bad impression, and more or less I think many relatives would agree with me generally.

2. Boasting of a son. One thing that I never understood was why having a son would give such a sense of pride while daughters don't have that much. I tried scratching my mind why it was so good to have a son and all I could come up with was just tradition and the carrying of the family name. I remembered when I was born, my uncle was eagerly bugging my sister to know my gender and upon hearing that I was a girl, everyone was disappointed. Of course I'm grateful that my relatives still treat me like any other person, with care and love but this constantly reminds me of the fact of how some things never will change even if we become modernised and globalised. Equality? Fairness? Maybe that's what everyone preaches but somewhere down there there's still this little nugget of biased view.

There are so many things that I have to count myself lucky for. Lucky to be born in this era (and in Singapore, so I don't have to get dumped into rivers in China), lucky to have 2 parents that loved me as much no matter who or what I was (especially papa who dotes on me), lucky to be sheltered and protected from all the negative criticisms of being a girl due to the fact that we are supposed to be progressing towards globalisation and thus less stereotypical.

Obviously this post is skewed from a feminist's point of view. Would not be very surprised if there's any person who disagrees with me. But anyways, although every parent would be proud to have a child, XXX's mum focusing on the fact that it's a son(confirm hao lian de) just pisses me to some extent because I don't really like her(yeah I'm reallyyyyyyyyyyy biased, neh neh ni poo poo), and it's too early to see how capable he will be anyway. I'm not cursing her son, but if he happens to not shine like how she'd love him to, I'd say she deserves it.

Labels: family, thoughts